Opinion | The Lost Art of Saying “No” – Over-Parenting Are we raising children to face life, or protecting them from it?

Parenting has changed a lot over the years. Parents today want to give their children everything they could not have in their own childhood. They want their children to live comfortably, study in good schools, have the latest phones, good clothes, good food and every possible facility. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for our children. The problem begins when love slowly turns into overprotection and excessive pampering.

Today many children are given much more freedom than before. Parents often hesitate to say no because they do not want to hurt their child or make them feel bad. A child asks for a phone, it is given. They demand an expensive gadget, it is bought. They want to go somewhere, parents often agree. Slowly, the child starts believing that whatever he or she wants should be provided.

The biggest problem is that children are not always being taught the value of things. When everything comes easily, they do not understand the effort behind it. They may grow up expecting the same comfort everywhere, whether at home, in school, at work or later in life.

Children also learn more from what they see than from what they are told. Parents cannot expect their children to speak respectfully if they constantly abuse or insult others at home. They cannot tell children that smoking or drinking is harmful while casually doing it in front of them. The same applies to excessive use of mobile phones, rude behaviour, lying, shouting, fighting or disrespecting others.

Children observe all of this.

What may appear to be a normal habit to an adult can become normal behaviour for a child. If a child repeatedly sees a parent smoking, abusing, losing their temper, spending unnecessarily or using the phone all day, there is a possibility that the child will grow up believing that such behaviour is normal.

Parents therefore need to remember that children do not only listen to their advice. They watch their lifestyle.

Another issue is excessive protection. Parents today are often afraid of allowing their children to face difficulties, failure, rejection or even small disappointments. They interfere in their studies, friendships, activities and sometimes even in personal decisions. In trying to protect children from every problem, we may actually be making them less capable of dealing with problems.

A child who is never allowed to face difficulties may find it extremely difficult to handle this later in life.

There is also a growing culture of fulfilling every demand of children. Many parents consider it a sign of love. But love does not always mean saying yes. Sometimes love means saying no. Sometimes a child needs discipline more than another gift. Sometimes they need to understand that they cannot have something simply because they want it.

Children also need responsibilities. They should be taught to keep their rooms and belongings properly, help at home, respect people around them and understand that money does not come without effort. These small responsibilities can teach lessons that no classroom can provide.

Another major change is the way some parents deal with their children’s mistakes. If a teacher complains, some parents immediately defend the child without even finding out what happened. If the child behaves badly with someone, parents may still find an excuse for it. Supporting your child is important, but blindly defending every mistake is not. Children need to understand that their actions have consequences. They should be allowed to accept their mistakes, apologise when necessary and learn from them.

Social media has also made parenting more difficult. Children are exposed to lifestyles, trends and opinions from a very young age. Parents cannot completely control what children see, but they can teach them how to understand what they see. A child should know that everything shown on social media is not real life and that comparing their life with others can create unnecessary dissatisfaction.

The problem is not that parents care too much. The problem begins when care becomes overprotection, freedom becomes unlimited freedom and love becomes excessive pampering.

Children need attention, but they also need limited independence. They need protection, but they also need the opportunity to make small decisions. They need financial support, but they also need to understand the value of money. They need appreciation, but they also need correction when they are wrong. Perhaps the biggest responsibility of parenting is not to make a child’s life completely comfortable. It is to prepare the child for a life that will not always be comfortable.

Life outside the home will not fulfil every demand. Every friend will not agree with them. Every teacher will not praise them. Every interview will not result in a job. There will be rejection, failure, disappointment and difficult days.

If children are never allowed to experience small difficulties while growing up, how will they handle the bigger difficulties later?

Good parenting therefore does not mean giving children everything. It means giving them the right things at the right time. Sometimes that may be a new book, sometimes a new opportunity, sometimes a word of encouragement and sometimes simply a firm “No”.

The aim of parenting should not be to raise children who have never struggled. It should be to raise adults who know how to struggle, how to respect others, how to handle failure and how to stand on their own feet.

We cannot protect our children from every problem in life. But we can prepare them to face those problems. And perhaps that is the real meaning of good parenting.

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